Toxic Positivity: “At Least”
Some time ago I was going through something difficult and I tried to share with an acquaintance about how hard it was. This acquaintance listened to what I said and then responded by saying, “Well, I just like to focus on the positive and send my energy there. That’s what you should do!” I felt so unseen and lonely in that moment. Not only did this person not acknowledge how hard things were, she inadvertently shamed me for how I was handling my situation.
The phrase “toxic positivity” perfectly describes this kind of behavior. Toxic positivity is a way of ignoring difficult or painful emotions while insisting on focusing only on the silver lining or the good in a situation. Here are examples of toxic positive statements:
To a woman who lost a pregnancy: “Well, at least you know you can get pregnant!”
To a person in a difficult marriage: “At least he wasn’t unfaithful!”
To the woman who had a traumatic birth: “Just focus on your healthy baby!”
To a parent with a struggling child: “You’re so lucky you have children!”
To anyone who is suffering: “Just choose to walk on the sunny side of the street!”
To someone who’s crying: “Don’t cry! It’s all going to be okay!”
Toxic positivity isolates, shames, and disconnects us. At its core, it’s a way to avoid feeling difficult emotions. When we do it to ourselves, we keep ourselves from feeling the multitude of other feelings that exist within us. It may seem like only focusing on the good keeps us from feeling the harder feelings, but I promise you those feelings don’t go away by ignoring them. When we numb the hard feelings, we also numb joy, satisfaction, delight, and pleasure. When we allow ourselves to feel pain, sadness, hurt, and loneliness, we allow ourselves to be fully human. Allowing ourselves to feel the hard feelings enables us to move through it, rather than getting stuck in it.
When someone is hurting, what they really want is connection. They want to be told “I see you, and I see it’s hard. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.” May we all be the kind of people who look for a way to connect through the sadness, hurt and anger, instead of skipping over it with an “at least.” If you’re looking for someone to listen without judgment, and who’s able to sit in the painful, sad or unresolved feelings, you may find counseling helpful. I would be honored to sit with you in that process.