Practicing Loss of Control
As I write this, we’re in the throes of COVID-19 quarantine. By my count, this is the seventh week life has been turned upside down in Nashville. I’ve been thinking a lot about control lately, and how almost everything is out of my control. I’ve had to stop seeing clients in person, and have transitioned to all virtual sessions. My kids’ school is cancelled for the school year and I’ve been thrust into emergency home schooling. I love hugs, and I haven’t hugged anyone outside of my immediate family for seven weeks. I miss being able to eat out, go where I want when I want, or be alone in my house, which is basically impossible these days. I write all this not because I think what I’m experiencing is special or atypical in any way. Everyone I know has had to let go of their control of at least some things in their life.
Most of us are able to live under the illusion of control for a lot of our lives, and thanks to COVID-19, we’ve all had the rug pulled out from under our feet about control. Some people have already had the experience of that rug being pulled out from under their feet. Maybe you’ve lost a loved one unexpectedly, maybe it’s suddenly become clear that someone you love has an addiction, maybe you can’t get pregnant despite doing everything “right.” I’m sorry to say that sooner or later every one of us will be forced to confront the fact that we don’t have control over much in life.
I’m really not a “find a silver lining” person, and I’d never try to act like COVID has been a positive thing, but is it possible that the current situation could be a good opportunity to practice loss of control? How can we build resilience in this time so that we have more tools for the next inevitable time we realize we aren’t in control?
For me that looks like checking in with myself about what I need, and learning when I need to ask for help. It means naming all the losses I’ve experienced and taking time to grieve them. It also means that I have to honestly tell another human about what I’m feeling, no matter how unflattering that feeling is. It also means lowering my expectations for myself and for others. That might sound like giving up, but what it’s actually looked like is compassion for others (“everyone is struggling and it’s okay if they can’t respond to my text quickly”) and self compassion (“it’s okay if I can’t clean out my pantry today like I thought I would. I’m in survival mode. I’ll get to it another day.”)
I would like to say that once this is all over, life will go back to normal and we’ll have control again, but that would be dishonest of me. I do know that I’ll be able to say I made it through this hard time, and that I’ll be able to make it through hard times yet to come.
Hang in there. We’re all just doing the best we can. If I can be of any service to you as you navigate this strange time, please reach out.