When Mother's Day Is Hard
Mother’s Day is coming up in a few days and as usual it has me thinking about everyone who feels more pain than joy on this day. I wanted to say something to those of you who struggle.
For those of you who long to be a mother and are not, I see you. Your heart’s desire is to be a mom, and I’m so sorry that you have to be inundated by reminders of what you’re missing. The loss and grief is heavy, burdensome, and lonely.
Some of you have lost children through pregnancy or infant loss, or have lost young or older children. For those of you who lost babies in pregnancy, you missed so much. You didn’t get to feed them, change their diapers or bathe them. Those of you who have lost children outside of pregnancy or infant loss, you were also robbed of so many things: watching them grow, discovering who they would become, and all the big and little milestones along the way. It is staggering how much you have lost. No matter what, you are still a mother.
Some of you are estranged from your mom, or have a difficult or conflictual relationship. Maybe your mom didn’t love or nurture you in the ways you needed. That, too, is a loss. You deserved to have a mom who loved you and cared for you and tried to understand who you are.
There are those of you who may be estranged from your own children. On Mother’s Day you may feel sadness, anger, shame, or guilt. I’m so sorry that your relationship with your children isn’t what you’d hoped for and dreamed of.
There are also so many people who have lost their mom to death, and their absence on earth feels like a gaping hole. What you would give to have her here on Mother’s Day, to hug and to tell her how much you love and miss her! When you look around, maybe it looks like everyone who still has a mother takes it for granted. No matter how old you are, there’s always some part of you who wants and needs your mother.
The first Mother’s Day after I lost my baby felt like torture. Every day was painful, but to have to endure an entire day created to celebrate mothers felt cruel. I wanted to lock myself in a dark room and come out when it was all over. What ended up feeling right for me was to say no to any large family brunches. I told my mom I loved her so much but that I just couldn’t bear a big celebration. I went to an off-beat diner for breakfast with just my husband, intentionally avoiding any places that felt like they’d be packed full of Mother’s Day brunchers. We went on a long walk together and I journaled about what I was feeling. It was really hard. I cried a lot. I had low expectations, and the day met them.
What would help you get through Mother’s Day? Are there things you need to say no to? Is there anything you can ask for? How can you be so gentle and kind to yourself? We’re all so different, so the things that felt good to me may not work for you. Maybe you need a big celebration, or maybe you need to stay in bed all day. Maybe you need to find a cabin in the middle of nowhere to get far enough away from everything. Whatever it is that you need, you have permission to do it. Some people in your life may not understand, but you are important, your well-being is important, and you are worth taking care of.
If you could use more support around this, or if I can help you in any way, please reach out. I’m here for you.